/ i don’t know much

// Written while flying from SF to Omaha. Going from Finovate to Big Omaha. I haven’t had a full night sleep in what feels like a while.  I haven’t been in my own home for a month or so. I’m not sure I really care because whatever high I’m on… I like it. //

I wanted to write about what my brain seems to be trying to figure out right now. I’ve tried to write more in the middle of this project to chronicle what this is all like. If nothing else it’s my version of a scrapbook I can go back and look at. I also think that writing helps me keep things in perspective.

I know this project is starting to work and I have no idea what next month looks like. So I guess I feel like uncertainty is almost worth more to share over  some piece of well thought out marketing material.

After all… I feel like I am a human and not just a participant in a well written press release.

I travel in circles where we simply build stuff. It’s about building. It’s not about being wealthy or being on stage. It’s about building, creating, and being intoxicated by the people around you.

I really like this about my life. Being conscious of this is something that makes me incredibly happy. The fact that I found this in Iowa, just seems lucky.

To be frank, I started this company thinking that I started one before. Why can’t I Just do it again? During that thought process I truly did forget how hard/taxing it can be. Now that I’m going through it again… I’m on an adrenaline kick that just never ends.

When something you build starts to gain traction life changes. Life becomes less about building everything you can and more about riding a wave. Life starts changing and any perception of what you thought life was going to be like is thrown completely out the window. All your plans are toast. You are supposed to be in control but you aren’t.

If you are like me that might not be a bad thing. That might just light a fire under your ass and make you think…

This statement seems to come up in conversation a lot lately. “It’s past the stage of wondering if it’s going to work and it’s at the stage of don’t fuck it up.”

So it’s starting to work:

  • Everyone keeps talking about money. It’s not about money.
  • We’re on the road constantly. If we aren’t in a plane, we’re running between so many meetings we can’t keep them straight ourselves. If it wasn’t for people in the office keeping us in the right places we’d be lost.
  • Most of the time I seem to find myself saying things to people like they don’t know what I’m talking about. Only to find they invested,  own part of, work at, or founded… One of half a dozen companies I hold in high esteem.
  • Sometimes I get somewhere, sit down, and randomly fall asleep. I’m ok with that. It must mean my mind and body is ready for a break. I typically wake up with my computer fallen on the floor. It has a few bends in the frame from that.
  • I know I have no idea what life is going to look like in 2 years. Everything is going so fast that my plans go as far as Sunday. When I plan to sleep for a day and a half whenever I manage to get into a bed I’ve seen before.
  • I tried the life where I’ve got a dog and a nice picture to look at. This life… Is not that life… I feel like I migrate from hotel room to hotel room to a loft the company basically uses as a hotel to house whatever roaming builders are coming through town. Me included. I haven’t even been to my actual home for more than a month.

Then you start doing things that don’t resemble your real life or what you thought real life was:

  • You start speaking and opening your mouth. People actually start listening. You won’t be sure when this happened. You’ll just have a hell of a lot more confidence after you get the first few out of the way.
  • You recognize that this is a once in a lifetime shot and things like this may never happen again. So you put your head down and go wherever you need to be. Whenever you need to be there.  Self preservation goes out the window in the name of opportunity.
  • You may really need to shave but you aren’t anywhere you can… For days on end… Then you end up with a big beard before you know it.
  • You will absolutely hurt your family’s feelings. You’ll need to be self aware of this and not get offended that they don’t get it. Don’t be a wanker… Take responsibility and go out of your way to remind them that you actually remember who they are and you care about them. Do seemingly silly things like calling between a flight once in a while or sending them a postcard. It will make a difference. If you don’t do it your relationship will crumble and it will be your fault even though you think they should be more understanding. Do not let the people in your family become people you knew. That’s tragic. Of all the things to let fall by the wayside… I can’t help but feel like that’s the biggest mistake of them all.
  • The lack of sleep, excess of caffeine, alcohol, poor diet, and stress that comes with it… Will forever change your perspective even if you’ve gone through it before.  Some people can do it. Some people can’t.  You’ll start to see how it effects people around you.
  • You’ll meet people you read about. It will make you feel like you’re in a movie.
  • You may seriously ask people what day it is. It seems less troublesome than trying to put your bags down and fish your cell phone of your pocket.
  • People will start asking for your opinion and it will seem ironic because you know how much you don’t know.
  • You’ll take responsibility for everything that happens in your company and even when it’s not your fault. You’ll take it on the chin, move on, and everyone will be happier for it. You’ll end up attracting some criticisms for it but ultimately your company and coworkers will be happier. It will be worth it.

Above all else. Every once in a while you’ll be sitting on a plane wondering, “Is this really my life”. You may struggle a little and wonder if it’s the right path. You may wonder if this is the path that is going take you to the things that you truly want in life.

You might not. I am though.

This entry isn’t meant to guide you. If anything it’s a chronicle of a few things roaming in my mind and maybe, just maybe, it can be a reminder to a few of you experiencing the same thing that you’re not alone and it’s ok not to know… It’s ok to feel amazing about what is going on today… To laugh at the life you are living and know that if it keeps going like this… Your vision might actually be a reality and that’s a wave worth riding.

Maybe it’s just me writing and hoping that?

For now. Get me off this place and get me a wifi connection. I need to get something uploaded.

*Entry fueled by my first Peet’s Coffee.